Roman Reigns is the most dominant champion in wrestling. Amidst an undefeated streak, Reigns has destroyed everyone who has stepped up against him, including The Fiend, Jey Uso, Drew McIntyre, Daniel Bryan, Edge, John Cena, Finn Balor, Brock Lesnar, and Logan Paul. It seems like the WWE is running out of people to dethrone the Head of the Table, but theories suggest that Cody Rhodes, Bray Wyatt, or The Rock could be the ones to finally put an end to Roman’s reign.
But what if none of them can? What if the WWE books the champion into a corner, and no one in modern wrestling can defeat him?
A live-action comic book, professional wrestling will always live in its own fictional world, but sometimes you have to look for a hero (or villain) within another universe to dethrone the dominant supervillain. The Power Rangers have teamed up with the Ninja Turtles, Charles Barkley defeated Godzilla in a game of basketball, and Green Lantern partnered with…KFC’s Colonel Sanders?
Even wrestling itself is no stranger to a good crossover, with notable instances including Robocop showing up to save Sting, the Jersey Shore cast getting booked in WWE and TNA, and the WWE partnering with…KFC’s Colonel Sanders? In this reality no one can defeat Roman Reigns, but maybe there is someone in the annals of pop culture who could dethrone the “Big Dog”.
To make this as fair as possible, some rules need to be set:
- The participants MUST have been professional wrestlers at one point in their lives
- They can’t use any superpowers
- The matches all take place at the upcoming WrestleMania 39
- Standard exhibition rules apply
Forrest Gump
Forrest Gump has done everything. He’s responsible for some of America’s most significant moments, including the capture of Saddam Hussein, becoming a billionaire by investing in a “fruit company”, accidentally creating New Coke, and innocently teaching Elvis Presley how to dance. Eagle-eyed readers would know that Forrest Gump is also a moderately successful professional wrestler, using the ring name “The Dunce.”
Competing against top-tier specimens known as The Turd, The Animal, and Juno the Giant, Gump racked up numerous wins, until ultimately ending his career after being defeated by The Professor. The idiot savant certainly “can’t think thing’s pretty good” but it is this innocence that led him on an incredible adventure in life. Somehow, just like every other instance in the novels, Gump would stumble his way into the WWE, gaining victories over the likes of AJ Styles, Brock Lesnar, and the one that looks like the South Pacific Demi-God named Maui.
Gump, dusting off his old Dunce attire, would main-event WrestleMania against Roman Reigns. Having been in far more complicated situations than this, such as the Iran-Contra affair, Gump would use his wrestling training to out-wrestle The Tribal Chief, never running out of stamina. The dude did run across America, after all. But, could the man who fought off John Hinckley Jr outlast the greatest champion in wrestling history?
No. All that build-up for a negative outcome? Forrest Gump was born in 1944. If he’s competing at WrestleMania in 2023, he would be 79. No amount of world-changing adventures can reverse the world’s most ruthless villain; time. If this were 40 years earlier, Gump would potentially defeat the champion, only to be fired from WWE, due to Lt. Dan trying to sell the championship to the highest bidder, a la Ted DiBiase.
Forrest Gump isn’t the smartest person in the room but lucks his way into really bizarre situations. He might luck himself into competing against Reigns, but wouldn’t have the capacity to think logically about how to win.
Principal Max Anderson
“I’m sorry, who?” is exactly what you’re saying.
In June 1983, a man on the verge of wrestling superstardom was involved in the worst moment of his career and was forced to give up his dream, only to become a mild-mannered principal for Webster Elementary in New Hampshire. Principal Max Anderson was a masked wrestler known as The Revolting Blob, and on that fateful night in 1983, he accidentally killed a man during a match, by sitting on his head. His fallen opponent was supposed to pinch the Blob when he was running out of air, but didn’t. Max may be an aging member of the school board, but once a killer, always a killer.
Do I think the 76-year-old could defeat Reigns in a match? No, definitely not, but Reigns would have to survive the match first.
Randy “The Ram” Robinson
The ending of The Wrestler sees former megastar Randy “The Ram” Robinson launch off the top rope to hit the famous Ram Jam, leaving the viewer on a speculative note of whether or not he died in the ring. The Ram always did things to excess and said that he would keep going until the fans said otherwise. Due to his increasingly problematic heart condition, it is highly likely that he went out in a blaze of glory against his arch nemesis, The Ayatollah.
But, if The Ram never Ram Jammed himself to death, then could he have stood a chance against the reigning, defending, undisputed Universal Heavyweight Champion? Yeah, probably not.
See, when Ram was touring the world, defeating guys like Davey Diamond and Corporal Punishment, wrestling was different. Ram achieved massive success in the mid ’80s. While wrestling was a hotbed of megastars then the majority of the talent, especially the top stars, didn’t have the talent that someone like Roman Reigns has today. The likes of Hogan and Savage didn’t have to continually put on barn burners, because they knew a leg or elbow drop would pop the fans. They stuck with the basics, and so did Ram in The Wrestler.
Sure, Ram did a deathmatch with Hellbilly Cannibal (payed by Necro Butcher), but his decision to go outside of his comfort zone proved catastrophic, as he had a heart attack. Ram tried to explore love with an exotic dancer, and a relationship with his daughter, but they too proved to be failures. All the Ram knows is wrestling. Wrestling today is vastly different than it was during Randy’s height. If Ram and Reigns wrestled today, it might be a moderately decent match, but the most dominant champion in recent memory isn’t going to be taken out by a diving headbutt when even Brock Lesnar and a tractor couldn’t beat him.
Killbane
Let’s get serious – when you are the undefeated champion of a tournament called Murderbrawl, then there isn’t much that is going to stop you from defeating Roman Reigns. “The Walking Apocalypse” isn’t just some corny name given to him. Obsessed with lucha tradition, which states that luchadors can never remove their masks, Killbane takes this to the max, even killing someone who mentioned his real name.
Prior to his time in Mexico, Killbane killed an opponent in the ring and fled the country for safety. At one point, Killbane began growing jealous of his tag team partner Angel De La Muerte (voiced by Hulk Hogan), challenging him to a match. During the match, Killbane forcibly removed Muerte’s mask, a cardinal sin in lucha libre. Killbane would defeat Roman Reigns in a match, but not fairly.
An ever-encompsing heel, Roman would poke fun at Killbane’s real name, causing the luchador to throw the rules to the side, resulting in Roman earning the DQ win.
Rip Thomas
When he’s not playing a nanny, Santa Claus, or a morally ambiguous basketball fan, Hulk Hogan plays Rip Tomas.
Rip is the most entertaining man in all of television, as well as being the WWF Champion. Due to network execs wanting a piece of the Ripamania pie that is taking the world by storm, a formidable challenger named Zeus would rise up to take on Rip in the biggest match in wrestling history, a No Holds Barred match. Zeus would ultimately be murdered by Rip at the end, leaving the match a no contest.
Could Rip Thomas have taken Roman Reigns to his limit? Realistically, Rip Thomas shares all the same traits as Hogan, so the real question is; Would prime Hulk Hogan beat prime Roman Reigns?
So many factors come into play with a question like this, such as; who’s booking the match, what time period, and whether it’s a four or eight-sided ring. With the match taking place at Wrestlemania 39, Rip would be 69 years old, but for the sake of the argument, let’s say Rip is at his peak and has the exact same history as Hogan. Roman would still win. Hogan never beat any of the previously mentioned people Roman has. If Roman can beat Brock Lesnar four times, and Rip/Hogan couldn’t even beat him once, then that speaks volumes. Roman is a vastly better wrestler than Rip.
President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
In a world where humanity is getting stupider and stupider, one man rises for the betterment of the world. The year is 2505, the dumbest people are flourishing, and people would much rather watch Ow! My Balls! and Ass then invest in taking care of plants, opting to replenish them with Brawndo sports drink. In fact, water has been totally taken over by Brawndo, and the world is now obviously struggling to sustain any intelligent life.
Firing off an automatic rifle during any presidential speech, Camacho proudly states that he has a solution, that doesn’t require Brawndo or burrito coverings. Eventually, Joe Bauer, a time traveler from the year 2005 fixes everything by encouraging people to use water, like from the toilet. President Camacho is not only dumb but was a professional wrestler and adult entertainer, because America. Prior to giving speeches in the “House of Representin” President Camacho was a five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion. It is unclear if this Smackdown Championship is related to the WWE Smackdown brand, but with the movie’s heavy emphasis on wrestling, it makes sense.
Would President Camacho beat Roman Reigns? I mentioned that Forrest Gump has some pretty dumb luck when it comes to changing the world, but that dumb luck wouldn’t come in handy in a match against Reigns. President Camacho on the other hand is just dumb. His brain just can’t comprehend logical solutions, and his dumbness wouldn’t be an impediment to him. Instead, President Camacho is very strong, and isn’t just simple-minded like Gump. While prophetic as it may be, Idiocracy is hopefully a work of fiction, but I see President Camacho defeating Roman Reigns, and becoming the most unlikely WWE Champion in history.
King
What happens when you mix one of the greatest Japanese wrestlers and a charitable luchador priest from Mexico? King is one of the most recognizable fighters in video game history, with the exception of maybe Mortal Kombat’s Scorpion and Street Fighter’s Ryu. Inspired by the original Tiger Mask Satoru Sayama as well as Fray Tromenta, King would be a consistent participant in the King of the Iron Fist tournaments, the fictional event within the world of Tekken.
King is as legitimate as they come, using moves from all generations, ranging from Hulk Hogan to Kazuchika Okada. With as gifted as he is as a performer, he would put on an exceptional match with Roman Reigns. A dream contest between King and Roman Reigns would be the injection wrestling needs to create another golden age of the sport. Unlike every other entry on this list, this would be a legitimate match, with both competitors bringing their very best.
As much as I like Roman, I genuinely think that King would out-wrestle Reigns. Add in The Bloodline, Craig Marduk, Jaycee, and Armor King, and you have a feud that could span years, propelling professional wrestling back into the same heights as the NWO and Hulkamania.
