Every Premier League Club as a Professional Wrestler

As professional wrestling becomes more and more outlandish, the similarities between wrestling and actual sports become less and less apparent. However, sometimes actual sports can be more outlandish, and can appear more scripted than wrestling itself. Are you telling me Liverpool coming back from 3-0 against Barcelona wasn’t a miracle? Are you saying that Leicester winning the league wasn’t a fairy tale story? The magic of wrestling and sports can cross over. With that being said, which wrestlers represent Premier League clubs best? In my opinion…

LIVERPOOL – TETSUYA NAITO

Let’s start off with the obvious, because this was the first link that came into my mind whilst thinking of links. Both Liverpool and Naito have waited patiently for years for their coronation at the top of the tree, and both of them achieved it in 2020. Whilst there were some bumps in the road, with the Stardust Genius running alongside the Fabio Borini years, they played the long game and it worked out in the end. Fair play.

MANCHESTER CITY – KAZUCHIKA OKADA

Money, innit?

Seriously though, both Manchester City and Okada have many similarities, with money being the tip of the iceberg. Right from the start, both have been pushed to the top with at a rapid pace, and have stayed there ever since. Whilst both Okada and the Cityzens are going through a transition phase at the moment, it won’t be long before they return to the pinnacle.

LEICESTER – DANIEL BRYAN

Another obvious pick really. Both Bryan and The Foxes pulled off the most unlikely miracles in the history of their respective mediums. Daniel Bryan won the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania in spite of Vince whilst Leicester won the Premier League at 5000-1 odds (+500,000 for American readers). And whilst both fell off a bit after their respective underdog victories, they’re coming back with a vengeance, meaning business.

CHELSEA – SETH ROLLINS

This one might not be apparent at first, let me explain. Both Chelsea and Seth Rollins will always be in and around the title scene, and both of them are currently hovering slightly below title contention. However, both of them have won on the Grandest Stage of Them All. Seth famously cashed in Money In The Bank at Wrestlemania, whilst Chelsea won the Champions League final, infamously causing Gary Neville to orgasm.

WOLVES – KENTA

When KENTA was in WWE, he was at the bottom of the pile. An afterthought in the cruiserweight division, it couldn’t have gotten much worse for the former GHC Heavyweight Champion. Similarly, Wolves were in an awful position down in League 1 recently. However, both Wolves and KENTA took risks and are now at the peak of their games at the moment. They reinvented themselves, with Wolves bringing the Portuguese Revolution to the West Midlands, and KENTA joining the ultimate rebels in BULLET CLUB.

MANCHESTER UNITED – RANDY ORTON

At a certain point in time, both Manchester United and Randy Orton were dominant forces. In fact, they both even are thirteen time champions (Randy held the WWE Title nine times and the World Title four times, Man United are thirteen time Premier League winners). And whilst both have been on a slippery slope ever since 2014/15ish, both are currently going through a renaissance. Randy is producing some of the best work of his career, all while Man United are surging up the table under Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

TOTTENHAM – BOBBY LASHLEY

When Bobby Lashley returned to WWE in 2018, people were excited. Lashley had just come off the back of Impact Wrestling and was ready to take the WWE by storm. There was talks of a world title programme, a main event push, potentially even a feud with Brock Lesnar. Fast forward two years later and none of that has come to fruition. It’s been a bit naff really to be honest. Now tell me, doesn’t that describe Spurs over the past five years? Always threatening to break through, but winning nothing, and becoming quite stale in the process.

SHEFFIELD UNITED – ANGEL GARZA

Conversely, Sheffield United and Angel Garza bring some fresh, exciting faces to the table. Having recently shot up the ranks rapidly, they are both one of the most exciting parts of the Premier League and WWE respectively. With some serious backing, they could both become serious contenders, but for now they have all the potential in the world.

ARSENAL – TORU YANO

They’re both jokes.

CRYSTAL PALACE – ELIAS

Do you know how hard it was to find a wrestler that represented Crystal Palace? There’s nothing outstanding about Palace, but at the same time nothing offensive either. Which is why I thought Elias was a perfect fit for them. Nothing particularly wrong with them, but they aren’t outstanding enough to break through into the upper echelons.

BURNLEY – TOMOHIRO ISHII

Let me have this, ok? Big, bald hard brawlers that’ll make you fight tooth and nail for a win against them. Ishii and Dyche could have been separated at birth, and even though there’s a ceiling on both Burnley’s and Ishii’s potential, they’ll always give every team/opponent a hard match.

EVERTON – SHAWN SPEARS

Considering the amount of money that has been thrown at Everton, you’d think that they would have broken into that mythical top 6 by now, especially with it being more fractured than ever with the disappointing seasons of Arsenal and Spurs. However, they’re still floundering in mid-table mediocrity. On the other side of the pond, Shawn Spears has had many opportunities to establish himself as a main eventer, and has failed to do so, making him flounder in midcard mediocrity. In terms of a match, they’re a perfect 10.

NEWCASTLE – TAIJI ISHIMORI

Newcastle used to be a big club. With a passionate fan base backing them, they were consistent contenders for Europe, until they were bought by the Devil himself, Mike Ashley. And whilst Gedo isn’t as evil as Mike Ashley, he clearly doesn’t invest in the former GHC Junior Champion, just like how Ashley doesn’t invest in Newcastle.

I know… some of these are a stretch…

SOUTHAMPTON – CESARO

You wake up, it’s 2014. Coronavirus hasn’t been invented by Bill Gates yet, the Obama’s have yet to assassinate Joan Rivers, and both Southampton and Cesaro seem like the next big things. Fast forward to 2020, and neither have reached the heights they could have done. Southampton were stripped of their most important assets such as: Virgil Van Dijk, Sadio Mane and Toby Alderweireld. At the same time, Cesaro was stripped of two great themes, got rid of Paul Heyman as his manager and was told for a while to stop doing the swing. Could you imagine how good they would both be if they kept hold of their most important parts?

BRIGHTON – YOSHI-HASHI

To be honest, there’s nothing interesting about Brighton. When your biggest honour is winning the championship, you know that you’re a tinpot club. To be honest, I don’t think many people would mind if Brighton just stopped existing, which is why I thought YOSHI-HASHI was the perfect fit for them, as few people would mind if YOSHI-HASHI never wrestled again.

WATFORD – KANE

Glenn Jacobs, before becoming the Mayor of Knox County, had a plethora of different alter-egos and gimmicks. From The Christmas Creature to Bruiser Mastino, the man has chopped and changed his gimmick constantly, almost as often as Watford change managers. According to Wikipedia, Watford have had fourteen managers within the last decade. That’s mental, yet somehow they manage to survive constantly, just like Glenn did before becoming Kane.

WEST HAM UNITED – BARON CORBIN

Similar to Everton, West Ham have had vast investment pumped into the club at an even larger scale than the Merseyside club, recently going so far as to move to a new stadium in 2016. However, the experiment has backfired even more than with Everton, with the Hammers in serious trouble this season, faced with the looming threat of relegation. Which is why I thought of King Corbin as a great counterpart. WWE have invested heavily in Corbin, giving him the Money In The Bank, King of The Ring and making him Constable of RAW, none of which got him over. The experiment failed, just like in East London.

BOURNEMOUTH – SANADA

Bournemouth fans and SANADA fans… look away. Whilst many rate Bournemouth for punching above their weight, this simply isn’t the case. Over the past 5 years, Bournemouth have had a net spend of £177,000,000 on transfers alone. That’s insane for a club hovering above the relegation zone, but people have the perception of ‘Little Old Bournemouth’. Similarly, I’ve seen cries for SANADA to get some main event chances, but he’s had plenty. In 2019, SANADA main evented 7 main shows, with only two of those (arguably) being main event worthy. Basically, Bournemouth and SANADA are overrated, fight me.

ASTON VILLA – SHANE MCMAHON

All sizzle, no steak. Whilst both Aston Villa and Shane McMahon are capable of some truly remarkable feats, neither of them have really got the basics down. They’ve conceded 60 goals in 32 games, the most in the Premier League, and have had a torrid time defensively. Conversely, Shane-O-Mac has never been Bret Hart in the ring. In fact, he’s never even been Goldberg in ring, infamously having some of the worst punches of all time.

Plus they’re both completely sauceless.

NORWICH – THE MIZ

More specifically, 2011 Miz. Whilst not completely awful, Norwich have proven that their current squad wasn’t ready for the Premier League. Many of the players have raw potential, but could have done with a season or two in the Championship to improve their game before playing Premier League football. The same could be said for 2011 Miz. Whilst it was clear that Miz had potential, he hadn’t harnessed it yet. It ended up alright for Miz, with him being a nine time Intercontinental Champion, so there’s hope for Norwich yet.